


how do i sleep in the space you leave

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Series: doctor/river ficlets :) [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Emotional, F/F, Idiots in Love, Post-Episode AU: s04e08-09 Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, Post-Library River Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27798997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: “How long have you been out?” the Doctor asks, her voice even smaller than before.River sighs, closing her eyes as she answers.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Series: doctor/river ficlets :) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033860
Comments: 14
Kudos: 115





	how do i sleep in the space you leave

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! so this was a prompt on tumblr and I decided to post it here because people seemed to like it there hehe :) also I read a post that said readers don't like when writers post all their ficlets in a really long fic because it's hard to find the one they want to reread and I've decided to post all my prompts separately from now on. hope it's okay! 
> 
> story title from Breathe by Little Mix

“Why didn’t you come to me?” she asks weakly, quietly.

The Doctor is afraid of very few things in life but River can see the fear in her eyes now. She sees all the things her wife has never been able to keep from her - even after a few thousand years spent in the data core, she still knows her better than anyone. And she can see the trepidation, the fear that the answer might be one she isn’t prepared to hear.

“I…” River trails off, looking away. She doesn’t know how to explain it - can’t find the right words to justify why she waited years before trying to find the Doctor after she got out of the Library.

The Doctor’s eyes are watery and she looks down at her boots, blinking away the blurriness in her eyes. River swallows slightly, watching her.

“How long have you been out?” the Doctor asks, her voice even smaller than before.

River sighs, closing her eyes as she answers. “Five years.”

The Doctor makes an inexplicable sound in the back of her throat - one that encompasses sadness and anger and heartbreak and happiness in one noise. She looks back up to meet River’s eyes, her own swimming with tears, and stares until they burn.

“Years. You didn’t think to find me for - for half a decade, River,” she whispers, looking so very distraught that River can’t bear looking her in the eyes. “Why?” she croaks out, a single word so full of emotion.

“I - I -” River flusters, casting about for all the reasons she repeated to herself over the last five years, but none of them seem to be good enough in the face of her wife’s devastation. “I didn’t think you’d want -”

“ _Want_ you?” the Doctor finishes for her. River doesn’t answer, and a tear finally trails down the Doctor’s pale cheek. “What happened, River? I - after Darillium, I thought you were happy with me -”

“I was,” River rushes to reassure her desperately. “I was so happy in Darillium, darling, but - but that was it, wasn’t it? We said goodbye. And I - I said goodbye. To you, so many times, even in that computer.”

“So you didn’t come back? You - you didn’t want to?” the Doctor asks, looking utterly defeated.

“No! I - I thought you’d want - want to be free. Free of timelines and spoilers and back to front and - and - and being heartbroken every single time we see each other because it’s one step closer to the last time!” River says, wanting desperately to explain - to let the Doctor _understand_ why she did what she did.

“I did. I wanted to be free of all that.” the Doctor whispers quietly. “But I never wanted to be free of you. Never.”

River stares at her wife, her dark brown eyes and blonde hair - oh how she’s changed from her last body. She’s almost reminiscent of the face River married - but the way she’s looking at River now, her expression completely loving and tender with a mix of heartbreaking devastation, is very much a leftover of her previous body.

“Every decision I’ve made - not seeking you out once I escaped - I made because I thought you’d be happier this way,” River whispers hoarsely, tears stuck in her throat. “That’s all I tried to do, Doctor. Make you happy. I want you to be happy.”

“And you thought you couldn’t do that?” the Doctor asks, her voice cracking a little. She is crying in earnest now, tears falling fast and River can’t look at her, can’t look at how much she hurt her wife by making that one decision. “You thought I’d be happier without you?”

“You seemed okay,” River offers weakly, hating herself for giving excuses. “It was over a century since Darillium for you. I thought you moved on and - I wouldn’t have blamed you, Doctor, a century after I died-”

“I lived for more than a thousand years without you and loved you for every single moment.” The Doctor reminds her.

“That was different. Trenzalore was - it was different.”

“I don’t see how it is.” the Doctor says plainly. “My life will always be that much better with you in it, River. I will always, _always_ be that much happier with you around. And I don’t understand how you could’ve thought otherwise after Darillium.”

“After Darillium was the Library for me,” River whispers. “You looked right through me. I died then, Doctor. Nothing mattered anymore. I told you your name. I told you about Darillium. I might as well have written our relationship across the galaxies since I made it a fixed point. So after - after you kissed me on Trenzalore I promised I would let you go.”

The Doctor looks at her, her face never changing as she listens to River. She merely blinks and lets the tears trail slowly down her cheek, no longer attempting to wipe them away.

“Do I get a say in this?” she asks.

“What would you say?” River asks.

It is slow. But the Doctor takes one step, and then another, and another, until she is standing right in front of River. River looks down at the Doctor, her breath caught. It has been a thousand years since they’ve been this close but the effect she has on her has not faded an inch since that time.

The Doctor reaches up and cups River’s cheeks with both her hands gently, brushing against her hair and wiping her tears. The Doctor studies her wife’s face carefully, her eyes darting left and right as though making sure that she’s just as she remembers.

“I love you.” the Doctor whispers simply.

Another tear travels down River’s cheek. The Doctor leans up and covers her mouth with her own, and River knows that if forever exists, the Doctor will do everything to give them one.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment below!! :) thanks for reading


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